Deadgirl (2008)

Plot: Rickie and J.T.  are two high school seniors who gaze at the girls they wish they could get, especially JoAnn, the object of Rickie's affection, whom he has known since he was a child. One day, they decide to cut class and end up in an abandoned insane asylum. They discover a mute, naked woman in the basement, chained to a table. While J.T. is interested in raping her, Rickie refuses and leaves. J.T. confronts Rickie the next day, and the two return to the basement where J.T. reveals that the woman is undead, which he discovered after fruitlessly attempting to kill her three times.

Hmmm, another film that I have wanted to see for over a year. The concept is original and certainly different. Does it work though. Yeah it does. The young cast are very good. Especially the two main leads. One a quiet, repressed soul, the other the typical trailer trash kind you get in America's back waters.

Not in with the in crowd, no way.

The movie dosen't take long to get to the action, and once it does it's a disturbing yet riverting ride. Special mention needs to go to the girl playing the zombie. She's naked throughout the movie but does such a great performance that you soon forget your looking at a naked actress and she her as a rather pathetic animal. Liked a caged bear in those nasty adverts, you want to save her from the nasty college kids who treat her like a plastic sex doll.

Stop it, she's dead for christ sake.

Once the crowd start building up to abuse the "girl" you know there's gonna be trouble. The cock biting scene is a nasty one but your still rooting for the zombie, not the humans.  The twist is excellent. I didn't see it coming and is very cleverly worked out by the film makers. The occasional humour, albeit very dark, works really well too. The gas station kidnapping scene is brilliant.

She aint happy, she's my zombie.

The movie runs along at a good pace and there are no boring bits of needless character development. You care for them, sure, but you don't root for them. Untill the twist. But thats the twist. Clever stuff.

All in all, this is a great movie. Very well acted, really tense and beautifully filmed at times. The dark basement could have looked like someones garage but it gives off a great atmosphere. It's original, haunting and funny at times, but only when it should be. Thumbs up to all involved. Fingers up to Hollywood.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Cast are wicked
• Effects are great for a low budget affair
• Original
• Great Twist

 Crap because:

• Needed a bigger budget but thats nit picking really

Hamster Rating: 4

Gore: 3

Scares: 2.5



Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

Plot: On Christmas Eve in Finland, Santa Claus is unearthed in an archaeological dig. Soon after, children start disappearing, leading a boy and his father to capture Santa and, with the help of fellow hunters, they look to sell him back to the corporation that sponsored the dig. And then there's Santa's elves, who are determined to free their leader...

Ok, this is my first Finnish film. After watching, and loving, the Troll Hunter, I decided to give this a go having heard good things about it. Yes, it is set at Christmas time but that dosen't matter, horror is horror all year round. So is it any good? It's raindeer-tastic. Read on....

Santa and shotguns, nice combo.

The film starts out with the english speaking diggers but after 5 minutes or so it switches to the films own language, Finnish. Now, just like the Trol Hunter, the Fins sound a lot like the swedish chef from the muppet show and this will put some people off but seeing as I am not a racist I overlooked this and got on with reading the subtitles. The cast are all great. From the young kids to the rough, gruff adults, everyone does very well. The main lad,

Pietari Kontio does look a little bit mongoloid but he's Finnish so he probably is a little dur-brain. He is however, a very good actor.

Mongoloid, he was a mongoloid! 

The tension builds up nice and quickly in this film. The scenery is stunning and it all has a very high production value look to it. After learning that mongoloid boys mother has died and it's just him and he's dad, we then get on to the horror. This is where the film left me confused and surprised. You see, this film isn't really a horror. Sure it has a horror theme, missing children being boiled alive, a demonic Santa with horns of a goat and hundreds of evil elves running round with their penises flopping about but really this is a kind of family action adventure. A really good one too, but not a horror.

You dirty old man.

The elves are great though. Very creepy. And there is moments of good tension and mild peril. The story is great and very original and this is once again showing boring old Hollywood that there are new stories to be told and that you don't have to make remake after remake.

Let's catch us some Claus.

So the film gets to the last 10 minutes after some nice creepy moments, and nice bit of humour ( which comes over really well seeing as it's in Finnish ) and some solid acting. Then comes the crazy arsed ending. It goes all CGI and fantasy like on you when your not expecting it at all. The only thing is, it works really well. If you ignore the hundred or so floppy cocks on the screen, this is classic fairy tale, happy endings and it should have you smiling. I was. Not at the cock though, uuugghhhh, no way.

All in all, this was another example of smaller countries showing us that great movies don't need to cost $100 million or come from America. Everything about this film screams American remake, with Spielberg at the helm, although probably with a lot less Pork Swords on screen. It dosen't need a remake, it's great as it is and it's a real shame that this won't be seen by many people because it isn't in english, but I can only, whole heartedly recommend it. It's the breath of fresh air the movies need. Lot's of cock though, yuk.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Cast are excellent
• One or two creepy moments
• Original and new
• Feel good ending

 Crap because:

• More of a family film then horror
• Could have been a tad darker
• More schlong then your avergae porn movie

Hamster Rating: 4

Gore: 1

Scares: 1

The Last Exorcism (2010)

Plot: In Baton Rouge, Louisiana, the evangelical Reverend Cotton Marcus was raised by his father to be a preacher. He agrees that the filmmaker Iris Reisen and the cameraman Daniel Moskowitz make a documentary about his life. Cotton tells that when her wife Shanna Marcus had troubles in the delivery of their son Justin, he prioritized the doctor help to God and since then he questions his faith. Further, he tells that exorcisms are frauds but the results are good for the believers because they believe it is true. When Cotton is summoned by the farmer Louis Sweetzer to perform an exorcism in his daughter Nell, Cotton sees the chance to prove to the documentary crew what he has just told.

Ok, another film I have been wanting to see for a good few months so I was quite excited when I got to sit down and watch this. Exorcisim movies have always been one of my favourite genre types dating right back to the original Exorcist movie. This one is shot with a hand held which you either love or hate. I quite like the style, The Blair Witch is on my top 10 list, so the shaky cam did not bother me. Infact I think it adds to the realism of it all.

She's possessed, no question, look at her!

So the film opens at a slow pace, lots of character development and background stuff. This can sometimes be boring but I have to say that the leading man, Patrick Fabian, does such a convincing job as the preacher, and is very likeable so all this dialouge stuff is no problem. Eventually, however, he sets out to the spooky farm to do the exorcist. Things then promise to hot up. The only problem is, they don't, not really anyway.

She's getting madder!

The whole issue of is she possessed or isn't she drags on through nearly the entire second half of the film. This isn't a bad thing but all the posters and TV spots for this film would have you believe there are scenes of demonic possesion and there isn't. The creepy poster above does not take place at all in the film which is a bit naughty of the studio really. Despite this the film is quite good. There are a few scarey moments and all of the cast do their job well. The script is sharp and it is this that saves the movie.

Kama Sutra time.

Now, the ending. Some people loved it, some people hated it. I liked it. I think. It all ties up quite nicely, the twist is unexpected and the nastiness of it all comes across quite well. It is not a Hollywood ending which I was expecting so you should applaud the filmaker for his brave decision.

All in all this film was just above average. The cast were all very good. The few scares that there were, were ok. It could have been much better, but also it could have been utter shite. I expected more but ultimately I did see a good film and you can't grumble at that. Too much. Maybe a little bit.

You guessed it, Kelly wouldn't watch this film incase the demon came out the TV and got her.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Cast are great
• One or two scarey moments
• Realism was a nice touch
• Twisty ending

 Crap because:

• The posters were advertising a different film.
• Could have had more demonic stuff

Hamster Rating: 3

Gore: 1

Scares: 2

Night of the Demons (2009)

Plot: A group of kids go to a Halloween party, only to have to face down a group of demons.

Ok, another remake of one of my favourite films. The original film is reviewed on this site but this is the 2009 remake but is it any good? Well, lets see. The story is pretty much the same. Kids are having a halloween party in an old abandoned mansion. Cops bust the party and a group of teens are left alone in the building. What do they do? They head off to the basement to unleash a demon of course. What happens next? They all die in grisly ways.

A goat? No, this is a demon!

The cast is ok....ish. It does at times get a little bit Beverly Hills 90210 because they all look tanned, toned and fake, but over look this and they all do ok. There is a nice little cameo by the great scream queen, Linnea Quigley, who was the star of the original, and she's wearing the same outfit. This is a nice touch and shows the filmakers cared about the source material. The rest of the cast are the usual group of tarts, idiots and cutesy girl who you know is gonna make it to the end.

Linnea's looking a bit old now.

The effects are of course much better compared to the original, although they were very good for their time, and the blood and guts come thick and fast. All of the different demons are great to look at but are they scarey? No, they arn't, but this is not a scarey movie, it's a homage to 80's horror and it does this well.

I'd still kiss it.

The famous lipstick scene is back, but this time of course the filmakers go one step further and for me it was a step to far. Pushing a lipstick through your nipple is one thing, having it pop out the other end, along with a bucket full of glop is another and I don't think the scene needed it. It comes across as the filmakers trying to "out do" the original which is silly because they dont succeed, it's just shock cinema and we see that everywhere nowadays.

Hide the lipstick, a great party game.

There is nudity, just like the original, there is gore, just like the original but there is something not as good as the original. The first one had a real edge to it, a great visual style, this one is a hollywood horror. Barbie dolls with plastic boobies and Beverly Hills attitudes. I didn't not like this film, but I loved the original. I would watch the first one if it was on TV tonight, if this came on I would turn over to Night Cops (which is great by the way). The one true dissapointment was the stupid hollywood ending.

All in all a pretty decent horror movie to watch on a sunday morning with a hangover. Nothing on the original and if that had never been made this may have come across a bit better, but it was made and it was made a thousand times better then this one so there's no point saying what if it hadn't been made, cos it was.......ummmm, I'm getting confused now. Lets just say it's alright..............but the first one is better..by miles..........and that's that.

Kelly did not watch this movie. Probably ironing.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Effects are great

 Crap because:

• Isn't as good as the original. (think we know that now)
• Hollywood ending, why do they do it?

Hamster Rating: 3

Gore: 4

Scares: 1.5 

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

Plot: While illegally selling one canister of Trioxyin-5, Charlie Garrison is murdered by a zombie. His nephew Julian Garrison finds two canisters hidden in the attic of his house with his girlfriend Jenny and they ask their friend Cody to analyze and research the chemical product. Cody finds that the composition of the product is very similar to ecstasy and he processes the chemical, making a large quantity of a drug that he called "Z" to make money. Using the services of the local drug dealer, they sell "Z" in the college campus. In the Halloween, the DJ and Jenny's brother Jeremy organizes a rave party. Meanwhile, Julian, Jenny and Cody disclose that the drug transform the users in zombies, and with the support of two weird agents, they try to stop the distribution of "Z".

Hmmmm, ok, firstly the original ROTLD film is in my top 5 horror films of all time. No question. It is as near to the perfect zombie film as you'll ever get. Part 2 was pretty shit. It had the same two lead characters but overall it was rubbish. Part 3 sort off worked. It reinvented the franchise somewhat and had the excellent Julie Walker as the star. Then, a fair few years later part 4 came from nowhere. It was shit. I had been waiting to see part 5 since 2005 and was really excited as it kinda looked similar to the first one. I was wrong.

Zombie college kids....nice.

This film takes place after part 4 but no reference is made to the last zombie outbreak at all. The same characters are now at college when one of the trusty canisters containing the nasty zombie gunk turns up in an attic. There is some kind of sub plot going on involving two russian mafia types who are looking for the canister but this doesn't work at all. They are played for laughs all the time and the problem is, they arn't funny. At all.

Go on, bite his head off.

The kids end up at the rave of the decade, along with the zombies and the russians, dressed as vikings! The acting is crap, especially John Keefe , the lead male, who is atrocious. My bollocks can act better then this guy. All this is such ashame because there is one part of this film that is good. No, not good, excellent. The zombie make up. As in the first film, it is top notch. Brilliant. The way zombies are meant to look. This is down to Optic Nerve Studios who should have been given an oscar for their work, but they wont get jack because they arn't James Cameron.

She's naked and has a prongy fork thing.

The film makers try to throw in the usual nudity and gore but this dosen't save the film from slipping in to turd territory. One thing a ROTLD film should not be is boring, but this is. An utter mess of a film. I hate it and wish it was dead.

Kelly did not watch this film. Lucky her.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Zombies look great

 Crap because:

• Boring
• Actors can't act
• Tries to be funny and fails

Hamster Rating: 1 for the zombies

Gore: 3

Scares: 0.5