Botched (2007)

Plot: During a heist in Russia, a professional thief finds himself dealing with serial killers, insane hostages, double-crossing psycho Russian hardmen and the real possibility of a horrible death. 

I had never heard of this film. It stars Stephen Dorff, Sean Pertwee and Jamie Foreman amongst others, all of whom I like so I was quite looking forward to seeing it. I thought I knew what it was about, a heist, and the first 10 minutes or so would have you believe this is indeed the case. Get to 15 minutes in however and you suddenly think "what the fuck" as it all kicks off bif time style. Bigger then King Kong's cock infact!

Sean's a russian gangsta, no really, he is.

After Sean gives his best attempt at a russian accent, with a hint of Worzel Gummidge, our trio of thiefs grab the loot and hot foot it down the elavator. After the unwelcome guests enter the lift you start to relise this is not a normal heist movie. The first death scene really is unexpected and over the top. Lovely stuff.

Where's his head gone?





Things go from bad to worse as we are introduced to an array of wacky, hideous but funny characters. The ugly bird from the commitments is here and does a splendid job, keeping the ham levels up and never taking her tounge from her cheek. Stephen Dorff does a good job of the guy forced in to a job he didn't want but now has to fight for his own survival.

Boiler suits, must be robbers then.



The pace never lets up, the gore is totally over the top and the many funny bits are exactly that, funny. It's a real tough one, to get a comedy horror movie that delivers on laughs as well as gore but this one does just that, more then once too. Whats also very hard to pull off (he he he, pull off!) is getting us to care about the characters, but we do, we really do, they are all great in their roles and you really hope they make it, right up to the point they die horribly.

Girl on girl action, nice.

All in all this is a fresh original take on the heist movie and everyone does really well. The pace is cracking, the script is reall sharp, it's genuinely funny and the blood never lets up for more then 5 minutes. Bloody good show.

Here is Kelly's take on the action:

"For once I was expecting a normal type of film - bank job/heist gone wrong and it all started out fine until a giant pair of earwig pincers decapitated someone, needless to say a raised eyebrow was given to the "you'll like this one" comment.  I presume it is a black comedy but I thought the whole film was pants.  The only thing that was really good was the Russian security guard who stole the film with his part and he actually got a couple of laughs out of me.  All in all a film I shall not watch again nor recommend to anyone. :-)"

Thank you Kelly.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Brutal death scenes
• New and original characters
• Funny in a horrific way

 Crap because:

• Ummmm......it isn't.

Hamster Rating: 4.5

Gore: 4

Scares: 1

Halloween II (2009)

Plot: Laurie Strode struggles to come to terms with her brother Michael's deadly return to Haddonfield, Illinois; meanwhile, Michael prepares for another reunion with his sister.

Rob Zombie's first Halloween was great. A gritty, modern take on the godfather of slashers. This one continues the moment the first one ended, same as the original John Carpenter classics did. The opening scenes are fantastic, especially the moo moo cow bit. I was thinking hell yeah, this is gonna rock, and it did, sort of.

Someone needs a new mask.



 

Michael is back and he is still as brutal as ever. Zombie really has created and new, grittier version of the masked killer, bringing him in to our reality as best as he could do with a man who has been shot a thousand times yet still manages to grab his big fat knife and gut a load of teens. He has also managed to get us feeling sorry for Michael, which considering he is an evil mother is testiment to Zombie's directing skills.

Thats he's frikkin face!

Touches like giving Michael a beard, and letting us catch glimpses of his face, which is usually forbidden in the world of the masked killer, is a master stroke because suddenly he is a troubled man instead of a faceless maniac. The flashbacks to young Michael are really just incase you haven't seen the first one but they do further provide reason to his actions.

She's had a smack.

So all this sounds great dosen't it? Well it is but the problem is Laurie, played by Scout Taylor-Compton. I just did'nt like her. She is certainly a victim but I felt the urge to tell her to shut the fuck up and more than one occasion. I wasn't sure if it was the actress or the character but I did not connect with her at all. Jamie Lee Curtis's Laurie, in the Carpenter version, was likeable and you really felt for her, but this Laurie just dosen't come across as very nice at all. Shame, cos it did hamper the entire film.

She's lost her shoe!

Then we get on to Malcom McDowell's Dr Loomis. He is so far removed from the character in the first film it's unbelievable. He has turned in to a rich author, making a living out of the first killings but his has become a comical character and it dosent flow at all from the original. He is hammier than a pork chop whereas the rest of the film is gritty and brutal and real. It is a major set back in an otherwise great film.

She's naked, she's dead.

All in all this is a very flawed film which has moments of greatness. Rob Zombie has proven he is a great director but he lost his way a bit here I think.

Kelly did not view this movie so her comments will not appear. Oh well.

Summary:

 Great because:

• Brutal and real
• It has the original music
• Micheal is the godfather of horror
• 
  

 Crap because:

• The main lead is a tosser
• Dr Loomis has become a tosser
• It isn't as good as the first

Hamster Rating: 3

Gore: 4

Scares: 3

I Spit on Your Grave (2010)

Plot: A remake of the controversial 1979 cult classic, "I Spit on Your Grave" retells the horrific tale of writer Jennifer Hills, who takes a retreat from the city to a charming cabin in the woods to start on her next book. But Jennifer's presence in the small town attracts the attention of a few morally deprived locals led who set out one night to teach this city girl a lesson.

 

They break into her cabin to scare her. However, what starts out as terrifying acts of humiliation and intimidation, quickly and uncontrollably escalates into a night of physical abuse and torturous assault. But before they can kill her, Jennifer sacrifices her broken and beaten body to a raging river that washes her away.

 

As time passes, the men slowly stop searching for her body and try to go back to life as usual. But that isn't about to happen. Against all odds, Jennifer Hills survived her ordeal. Now, with hell bent vengeance, Jennifer's sole purpose is to turn the tables on these animals and to inflict upon them every horrifying and torturous moment they carried out on her... only much, much worse.

 

Hmmmm, you know your getting older when you stop enjoying "extreme" horror. I used to love it. Knowing it was just actors up on the screen, getting paid big bucks, was all I needed to suspend any guilt I may have had watching this type of movie. Not so much any more. Maybe because I am a father, maybe because I am gradually turning in to a gay lord pussy, I dont know.

All looks quite sweet!

The opening attack and rape scenes are brutal. Not explotative, but really brutal. They probably needed to be because attacks like this ARE brutal but watching it played out for the best part of 30 minutes is tough. It dosen't help that the lead female, Sarah Butler, is so petite and girly looking but this is just an example of great casting. Any way, get past the initial nastiness and we are set up for a great second half. The gang of rednecks are typical movie monsters and you are praying that they get it, and boy of boy, they get it.

She's well angry.

The payback is great. I remember the original movie and that was good but Jennifers method of killing the gang in this version knocks socks of that! They are so nasty that you almost feel sorry for the victims. The fishy eyeball scene is a standout moment and makes you go "ooohhhhh, bet that hurts", but all of the kills are above your average revenge flick. The addition of the family background of the main villian was also a really nice touch, making you relise these sicko fucks have other lives that we didn't see in the original movie and this gives the film so much more power.

Whats the worst thing that could happen?

So, even though it was tough viewing, I am glad I watched this. The payback just about forgives the crimes, but only just. All the acting was good to great and the film had a nice big budget feel to it.

Kelly will not be reviewing this film as she would not watch it. Chicks huh?

Summary:

 Great because:

• Brutal kills
• Great acting
• She gets them in the end

 Crap because:

• It's hard viewing
• Your can't eat a saveloy whilst watching this

Hamster Rating: 4

Gore: 4

Scares: 2 cos it aint a scarey film

Vanishing on 7th Street

Plot: When a massive power outage plunges the city of Detroit into total darkness, a disparate group of individuals find themselves alone. The entire city's population has vanished into thin air, leaving behind heaps of empty clothing, abandoned cars and lengthening shadows. Soon the daylight begins to disappear completely, and as the survivors gather in an abandoned tavern, they realize the darkness is out to get them, and only their rapidly diminishing light sources can keep them safe.

Sounds pretty good huh? Quite original yeah? Let me start by telling you straight, this movie is complete shit. Harsh you may think, but this is a steaming pile of do-do which goes straight in to my top 5 pieces of slop-fuck filming.

Face it, he just can't act

The first 5 minutes are ok, a whole cinema full of people just disappearing in to thin air. Ghouly type shadows moving around, some nice sound effects of ghostly whispers and a little bit of tension. Then Hayden turns up and things go down hill faster than shit through a goose. He simply is the worst actor in the world, nah, the universe. More wooden than a rain forest. This is his worst performance so far.

Thandie, stupid name, stupid girl.

Soon we meet Thandie Newton's character. She switches from a kind off well to do doctor type, to a deep sothern black mama! Her dialouge is utter rubbish and makes no sense. She also dips in to religious nutter territory for a full 5 minutes, then it's forgotten. She is probably the worst thing in this mess of a movie.

Ring his neck!

Even the usually great John Leguizamo cant save this film. He whines on for about an hour before disapearing, and when he does, we simply do not care. There are no scares at all. This is not a horror, full stop. The ending is as bad as the beginning. And the middle. The only good thing about the ending was the horse eating the apples. He had nice big floppy ears and a swishy tail, so that was quite nice. The rest of the film was......bollocks. Worst of the year so far.

Now, this is a new part of Rabid Hamsters site, I am gonna ask my lovely girlfriend, Kelly, who watches most of the films reviewed here, to write her own paragraph on the movie. She is not a horror fan at all and is not a fan of B-Movies so it will be a different take to mine and give a different perspective. Over to kelly:

"Shit"

Thank you kelly.

Summary:

Great because:

• Fuck off

Crap because:

• It got released

Hamster Rating: 0

Gore: 0

Scares: 0

Abominable (2006)

Plot: It has been sighted 42,000 times in 68 countries. A creature of myth and legend known by several names; Yeti, Sasquatch and the infamous Bigfoot! We've hunted it for years, but what happens when it decides to hunt us?

Hmmm, I love bigfoot movies. Always have. If you look at most reviews for this they will all have one common theme running through them, it's shit. I have to dissagree, this film is fantastic in almost every way. If you want a 9 foot hairy beast biting peoples faces off look no further than this.

You been eating garlic?

With a stella cast including the always fantastic Lance Henriksen and Jeffrey Combs this nice little horror zooms along with an energetic pace that rarely lets up. Throw in some girls, in cluding Tiffany Shepis, on a camping trip and whoooo, your gonna get some big boy chomping action.

Is the safety on?

The creature effects are spot on, classic big foot style. The gore is great as well and comes thick and fast. Seeing the various characters creeping round a dark forest knowing that huge hairy thing is out there produces a nice amount of tension, The bigfoot asault on the house is a great scene too.  The fact that the main hero is in a wheel chair adds another sense of dread to the whole procedings.The ending is great, setting up what could be an even better sequel, but I doubt that will ever happen.

Don't go in there you loon!

All in all a brilliant bigfoot story with some great gorey moments and more then good enough creature effects. Bigfoot is the business.

Summary:

Great because:

• Great cast
• Acting is above B-movie standard
• Effects are great
• Monsters are hairy and growl a lot

Crap because:

• Reminds you a tiny bit of Harry and the Hendersons

Hamster Rating: 4

Gore: 4

Scares: 3.5 

Feast Trilogy (2005 - 2009)

Plot: A group of strangers gather in a bar where they're attacked and systematically killed by monsters.

I stumbled upon the original Feast about a year ago. It looked like the usual run of the mill monster movie, which I love, and I didn't expect it to be anything else. Well, I'll stop you there sunshine, because holy fucking sausage, this is one mental film and watching the trilogy in one hit is surely one of the best B-movie horror experiences out there.

Did you just spill my babycham?



The first film takes place in a small bar somewhere in the middle of a deserted american landscape. It's full of the usual characters you always find in this kind of film. The slut, the nerd, the old people and the cute girl. All seems run of the mill untill the Hero bursts through the door screaming monsters are coming. It's not long before the monsters do indeed turn up and this is where the film shows us that it's gonna be different. It's a "wow, I didn't see that coming" moment which is a real credit to the writers.

On me head son.

These unexpected turns in the formula run through the entire series of films. The sequel, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds begins right after the last one ends as the third film Feast III: The Happy Finish does with the second so it really is all one big movie. Now, the second and third films carry more dark humour than the first, which does have it, but it is more underlined in the two sequels. The humour is outragous and usually involves people being torn apart or molested by the monsters. I should point out that these monsters do have huge penises and will use them without hesitation.

Monster ball bag.

 

A few characters make it through the three films but the new and fresh characters are more extreme than the next. From wrestling dawfs to dodgy car salesman, each one is unique and quirky. In other words, original.

The effects are always great and the gore is non stop, thick and fast. Parts II and III have the added bonus of gratuitus nudity which is missing from the first one but is more than made up for.

Midgets, Boobs and Monsters.

 

All in all the actors do a grand job, the script is sharp and funny and the monsters really are nasty, scary stuff. The whole concept is a fresh take on the survival genre and is a welcome change to the norm. These are relativly new films but have instantly become cult classics. I recommend you get the boxset, set aside 5 hours and crack on Jack, it dosent get much better then this.

Summary:

Great because:

• New and original characters
• Acting is great
• Effects are very good
• Monsters are right nasty buggers

Crap because:

• I want Feast 4 but the director says no more, wanker.

Hamster Rating: 5

Gore: 5

Scares: 3 

Re-Animator (1985)

Plot: A student at a medical college and his girlfriend become involved in bizarre experiments centering around the re-animation of dead tissue when an odd new student arrives on campus. Soon allsorts of reanimated body parts are crawling all over the place.

You can't go wrong with Jeffrey Combs. If your new to B-Movie horror look up his filmography and start at the beginning, the man is a genius, maybe on the same level as Jesus.  This film had a budget of just $900,000 yet blows most other horror films away either today. The effects are quite simply stunning for it's time.

You may feel a slight prick.



As soon as Jeffrey's character Herbert shows up at college, all hell breaks loose. He starts bringing bits of dead tissue back to life with each experiment more and more extreme. Seeing the finger thing running around is creepy yet funny and this is the films main strength. It has a comedic tone running through the whole thing which never gets silly and is always pitch black dark.

Fingerbob.



Add in the love interest, the great Barbara Crampton, and a superb performance by Bruce Abbott as Dan, and you have a great triangle of odd but charming characters all doing unspeakable stuff but doing it because they really believe in it. You also have the great Robert Sampson as the nasty Dean who almost steals the show.

It's better than a poke in the eye.

The gore flows thick and fast, there is a smattering of nudity depending the version you are watching and the finale is a joy to behold. This spawned a couple of sequels, both of which are very good and don't reach the same heights as the original.

Talk about giving head.

All in all a classic. No doubt about it. Not looking dated at all, still packing a punch and still so so watchable, this is up there with the best of the era. Put this up against the remake of Friday the 13th and it shows todays mainstream horror directors are pricks who don't know their story telling from their bum holes. Re-Animator rocks like Eddie Grant in Electric Avenue in the middle of a huge thunder storm. A+

Summary:

Great because:

• Characters are all well written
• Acting is great all round
• Effects are flippin ace
• Jeffrey Combs never fails

Crap because:

• I wont have it said, I tell you I wont.

Hamster Rating: 5

Gore: 4

Scares: 5 

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Plot:  An evil Gingerbread man comes to life with the soul of a convicted killer, then the real life cookie monster wreaks havoc on the girl who sent the killer to the electric chair.

Gary Busey. Yep, I mean it, Gary fucking Busey is in this. Better still, he is the Gingerdead man himself.  After getting zapped in the electric chair for murdering some folks, Gary's ashes end up in the cookie dough of the murdered peoples daughter!!! Jesus, tough luck. This, of course, results in the gingerbread man becoming the evil incarnate of Gary the killer and hey presto, you have a 6" cookie killer from the planet evil.

Pretty cute huh?

From here it's simply a tale of the little bastard getting revenge on the daughter who testified against him by killing all those people around her.  Why don't they just eat him? Or stamp on him? or just set a dog on him? I don't know, but luckily for us they don't and we get to watch the fresh baked bastard go on a mental killing spree.

It's a puppet!

All this sounds great, and some of it is. The Gingerdead man is brilliant. The effects are pretty good and he does come across as a nasty bit of biscuit but the actual killings are quite lame and the film almost becomes boring. The additional cast are all pretty useless.

The cakey theme runs through the whole movie.

All in all, the killer cake himself is brilliant but the rest of the cast are pretty poor and deserve to die at the yummy hands of a tiny teeny jaffa cake thing. Could of been brilliant, I hear the sequel, Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust, is better and hope to view it soon. I'll let ya know, so you don't have to.

Summary:

Great because:

• Gingerdead man looks great
• Original
• Gary Busey

Crap because:

• Acting is poor
• Deaths scenes all have a cake theme
• Why on earth don't they just pick him up and eat him?

Hamster Rating: 2

Gore: 2

Scares: 0 it's a cake 

Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Plot: A pair of employees at a medical supply warehouse accidentally release a deadly gas into the air, the vapors cause the dead to re-animate and they go on a rampage through Louisville,  seeking their favorite food, brains.

This is another movie that shaped me in to what I am today. It is the perfect zombie movie. Each and every character is great and make the film what it is. Thom Mathews and James Karen are perfect in their roles as the bumbling duo who unleash the beasts. They are also slowly dying throughout the entire film. Special mention goes out to Don Calfa and Clu Gulager who both have smaller roles but steal every scene they are in.

How come his tounge hasn't rotted?

Once the gas is released all hell breaks loose. Throw in a group of punks, partying in the grave yard and you have a right old shindig. The punks are true eighties characters, full of attitude and dangling chains. Linnea Quigley turns up again, as the leader of the punks girlfriend, and yes, she spends most of the movie butt naked, but after her transformation she becomes truely scary.

Zombie Fluff Fluff!

It's the films ability to combine funny moments with truely nasty scenes which is it's biggest triumph. The zombies are really ferocious and fast, bloody fast. No bumbling around here. Packs of zombies sprinting towards you is much more scary then the usual slow moving shuffler.

Say Ahhhhhhhhh.

The pace is break neck and you start to hope that the main characters will make it even though you know they probably wont. This all sets up a funny yet brave ending which is sadly lacking in most Hollywood movies today.

Red hair, must be a punk.

All in all, the perfect zombie movie. Totally different to Romero's stuff and much better for it. Watch this, avoid the sequels ( 4 I think) and you'll have watched a near perfect horror movie. Ruddy marvalous.

Summary:

Great because:

• Zombies look fantastic
• Different to all other zombie films
• Great effects, great gore
• Actors do a spiffing job

Crap because:

• Don't be silly, this is great

Hamster Rating: 5

Gore: 4

Scares: 3

The Troll Hunter (2010)

Plot: A group of film making students investigates a series of mysterious bear killings, but learns that there are much more dangerous things going on. They start to follow a mysterious hunter, learning that he is actually a troll hunter.

Been really looking forward to this one. I saw the original Norwegion trailer and thought "WOW" and having finally seen it all I can say is "WOOOOOOOOW", this is just fantastic.

Shot in a POV style, like the Blair Witch, the film takes no time in getting to the action. You are drawn in by the characters straight away. The Norwegion laungage is a funny one I grant you. They all sound like the swedish chef from the Muppet Show. This could put some people off. My girlfriend could not watch this, no way. She heard it on in the back ground and laughed at the laungage. Pretty rude I thought. Anyway, ignore the funny sounds coming from their mouths and read the subtitles, you'll soon forget they talk silly.

Thats a Troll, no really, it is.

So the kids meet the mysterious bear hunter, follow him and come face to face with a frakking great big troll. The troll effects are quite simple beautiful. They have a certain retro feel about them but work very, very well. Just how I would imagine a Troll would look like. There are also a few different breeds of Trolls so each one is different. Some are big, some are huge, one of them is bigger than King Kong. All of them are effective and work fantastically.

Don't pee up that fence, there's Trolls about.



So the Trolls can smell the blood of Christians and what do ya know, one of our group is a Christian! Nastiness ensures. The scenes of our group marching through the dark woods with their night vision cameras on, catching glimpses of the Trolls is really nice. There is always a sort of tounge in cheek feel but some scenes do ramp up the tension.

Night time means a lot of green.

You also have the goverment agency subplot which is a nice dig at how we are all controlled and fed a lot of lies by the media. This too works really well. After a few Troll fights we have the final showdown, a man, with a big torch up against a goliath of a Troll. It's great. It really is great.

Wow, your hard.

All in all, if this was a song it would be Mr Boombastic. It is so original and so well shot that it puts Hollywood to shame. This flies straight in to my 2010 top 5 movies. I no longer think Norwegions are stupid, funny sounding people, I think they are stupid, funny sounding, great film makers. Well done chaps.

Summary:

Great because:

• Trolls look fantastic
• Very original
• Learn about Norwegion folklore which you wouldn't normally
• Actors are all great

Crap because:

• It isn't a British film

Hamster Rating: 5

Gore: 2

Scares: 2

Lake Placid 3 (2010)

Plot: 3 Monstrous crocodiles terrorize a country lake, leading to a fight against a wildlife scientist, local sheriff and feisty female hunter which makes the WWE look like pansies.

Hmmmm, the original Lake Placid was pretty good. Far from perfect though. The sequel was pretty dull. This third outing is better then part 2 but still could have been so much more. First off lets state this is a made for TV affair. That means the CGI is not Speilberg standard, but having said that, it aint that bad. The crocs are just about ok. You know that they aren't really there but overlook that fact and this is quite fun.

Quick, move the motor!

 The cast are all obviously TV folk. The acting never rises above "Dallas" level but this is ok and you do care about some of them as they each start to get gobbled up by the green giants. Colin Ferguson plays the sheriff and some times you could mistake him for a wooden box but he just about has enough about him to play the hero.

Oooh, I have a splitting headache.

Now, and this is a big now, I watched the UNRATED DVD version. I have also seen the SyFy version. The latter is piss poor. Loads cut out and very little gore. The unrated version has far more gore and a sprinkling of nudity. Much of the nudity is by our own Roxanne Pallett. Formerly off Emmerdale, she set off to the states to make it big in movies. Well she has done. Her arse is massive.

You didn't see that on the farm

The film truddles on, a couple of gators die and the showdown is set up for the big nasty one and the few survivors. It's all good fun and you never tire of seeing the next victim become reptile lunch. The ending sets up Lake Placid 4 which will of course set up Lake Placid 5.

Jesus, he's in everything.

Special mention must go out to  Michael Ironside. He is a legend of shit films and he is always brilliant. Although, granted, he is always Ham Tyler from V in every single film he does but thats fine, Ham Tyler is cool. Sounds like a piece of pork too which is my favourite meat.

All in all it's stupid TV looking affair with bad CGI, gratuitous nudity and wooden acting all round but it's fun with some nice death scenes. Plus I love giant crocs.

Summary:

Great because:

• Big fat crocodiles
• Big fat arses

Crap because:

• Annoying kid dosen't die
• Cheap effects
• Wooden acting

Hamster Rating: 2.5
Gore: 2.5
Scares: 3